Top 10 Reasons to Hate Me

10. I dress like it’s nobody’s business. I constantly violate the office dress code which I try to make amends for by wearing a jacket everytime there are big bosses roaming around the premises. I comply because these people handle my paychecks. Otherwise, they can all go to hell. I’m still waiting for someone to explain to me why short skirts are more acceptable than sleeveless blouses. Are the shoulders sexier, more arousing, and more distracting than the legs? Hm.

9. I automatically check people’s blog posts and status messages for any sign of wrong grammar. I can’t be blamed for this because it’s part of my profession; it’s already drummed into my subconscious, seared into my brain. Of course, I don’t mind being corrected whenever I make mistakes, only an idiot would claim perfection. So don’t take it personally if I call your attention and say, “Psst, mali spelling, pre.” It’s constructive criticism, not an insult.

Unless I’m really out to insult you, well…you’ll know.

8. I say pretty much anything I want, when I want it. I have the knack for saying things that most people would rather keep to themselves; I dish them words and thoughts out with utter relish. Diplomacy has never been my strongest point; quite a number of people have already told me that I have the makings of a dictator, that I have Hitler in my genes.

7. I’m VERY vengeful. With the most grievous of offenses, I rarely forgive and I never forget. People in my shit list can stay there for as long as five years, or indefinitely. If you belong to the latter, it’s best not to greet me if we happen to run into each other in the streets or malls. You just ignore me and hope that I don’t see you. Or better yet, run.

6. I talk about sex as openly as Margie Holmes…and I’m not being paid for it. I’m not called the office “boldstar” for nothing. I can talk about copulation all day, endlessly, you have to make me shut up. I can talk about threesomes, orgies, sex toys and all kinds and hierarchies of fornication as casually as I can talk about the weather.

5. My sarcasm level is off the charts. I’m a dedicated student of the Dr. Gregory House School of Sarcasm. No one, not even my own mother, is spared from the lashings of my acid tongue.

4. I’m very much aware of my sex appeal and I don’t hesitate to use it whenever I could, whatever purpose it can serve me. Hey, don’t you just hate it when I say, “I’m very much aware of my sex appeal?” without batting an eyelash, without an iota of shame? Deal with it.

3. I swear like there’s no tomorrow. I say cuss words as naturally as I say “Hello there!” and I have no problem saying the word “vagina” out loud, for everyone in the room to hear. I think vagina is more decent-sounding than pussy or cunt, although I have no problem saying those either.

2. I eat like a construction worker and it doesn’t register on the weighing scale. Well, barely.  I’m genetically blessed (or cursed, depends on how you look at it) with a naturally slender frame. Some “normal-sized people who diet” would attempt to ridicule me and tell me that real women have curves. I just scoff at their half-filled plates and diet plans and say, “Real women eat real food. Get over it. Go exercise or something.”

1. I own up to all these. And I don’t care what you think.