Ground Rules

Okay, fuckers. Let’s talk.

Yes, I’m talking to you, SG, CP and 3rd dude.

SG dear, you’re great in bed and all that, but I already told you that gaining access to my pad is like earning your stripes in the military. Fine, I kinda told you that you can already come over and spend the night, but I changed my mind. Sorry. I change my mind constantly these days, but DON”T PUSH IT. Whatever business we have to do, we have to do it outside. And if it’s too far from where I am, then I’m just not up to it. I’d rather stay home, watch House or have a beer or two with my friends. Surprised? Of course you are. Not a lot of people know that I can actually control my libido, especially since I got used to having sex with just one and one guy alone for almost half a year. Sorry to burst your bubble but come to think of it, the former was um, more well-rounded than you are. And I’m not gonna settle for anything less than what he gave me. I’d rather NOT have sex. If you don’t like my conditions, then we can just shake hands and remain semi-friends, no hard feelings.

CP, you just stay where you are right now, which is like, a city away from my humble domicile. You have potential. I’ll call you when I need you. Don’t worry, I will. I just don’t know when.

3rd dude (I haven’t decided on a nickname for you yet, and I don’t think I need to), do we even need to see each other again? I’d rather cuddle with a boa constrictor than poke you with my pretty fingernails. Hell, I’d rather straddle an alligator than get intimate with you. I ain’t feeling it, dude. Sorry. Besides, the girls told me you have quite the small dick. Now THAT won’t work for me. I want a pork sword to fit snugly inside my keps and I want my mouth full when I’m sucking dick. Any guy who has less than five, six inches and does not shave or even trim should stay the hell away from me. I mean it. I take good care of my keps and I practice good grooming down there. Shaving it clean is a religion for me. I expect my men to be as meticulous as I am when it comes to that. No, you can’t have this hot, tempestuous body, not on this lifetime or the next. And I’m not sorry about that.

Let’s get this straight. I’ve ditched and ignored people far more important than you eggheads, so eliminating you from my black book, if that becomes necessary, should be a fucking walk in the park. Umayos kayo ha. I don’t mind being alone nowadays; in fact I relish the peace and quiet. I can definitely survive without intimacies for quite a long time. I’ve lived and learned. I can close my legs with as much imperiousness as I have when I’m spreading them wide open.

Now if you decide to drop a big-ass bag of cash at my feet or you came to give me the most beautiful Siamese cat that I will ever see in my entire life, I might let you in. But I assure you that you will not get further than my living room. I guarantee that the bedroom will be off limits and that I will close the door whenever you’re around. No strangers in my trusty airbed and that’s final. It will only be my sweat and my scent on those sheets, at least for the meantime. I am just not ready to share that bed with another man yet.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rules. All I can tell you is that I have only two people in mind who can bypass those rules, knock on my door and stay here without me making a fuss. And yes, they know who they are. All they have to do is ask.

Now get back to work. I’m tired now.