Bato-bato sa langit…

So sue me, I’m in a bitchy mood. The following goes out to:

Incredibly stupid people:

We all do stupid things in life, but we should not do it on a regular basis. You do not make a habit of stupidity. I am constantly amazed that some people do not think before they do something that is obviously stupid, which will, of course, turn out to be the seed of their downfall.

People who rub their filthy noses in my business:

I will say this now and I will say this again and again and again – Mind your own goddamn business! Keep your grubby paws off my affairs!

Conservatives who get turned off with my artistic photos:

No one invited you to check out my Friendster profile and I really don’t give a damn if you see it or not. If you don’t like what you see, and if you think what you’re seeing is beneath your lily-white ass, you are welcome to close down that window and tend to more important matters, like growing a brain with a wider perspective of things.

People who criticize my sex life and my lack of so-called morals:

Lubricants, you want?

Men who want to sleep with me:

Eight inches?

Milquetoasts who think they are better than me because I have a dirty mouth:

Oh man, you haven’t seen the worst of it, believe me.

Other people who think they are better than me:

Hey, maybe you are! Let me see your NASA certification!

Another one who thinks she is better than me:

You’re right, Mom.

People who think I’m a bitch:

Make that a capital B, please.

People who think I’m a good person:

I owe you a burger.

People who want to mess with me:

Oh, please do. Just so you know what I’m talking about.

Funny business names in the Philippines

Got this from one of my Yahoo Groups. I think there’s a compilation that already exists somewhere, but it’s so hilarious I couldn’t resist posting here, hehe.

• Parlor in San Juan is named : Cut & Face
• Wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas : Starduck
• Fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija :  Violybee
• Internet cafe opened among squatters named : Cafe Pindot
• In Manila , there’s a laundry named : Summa Cum Laundry
• Petshop in Ortigas : Pussies and Bitches
• A pet shop in Kamuning : Pakita Mo Pet Mo
• Bakery : Bread Pit
• Bank in Alabang : Alabank
• Restaurant in Pampanga named : Mekeni Rogers
• Restaurant in Pasig : Johnny’s Fried Chicken: The ‘Fried’ of Marikina
• A boxing gym : Blow Jab
• A tombstone maker in Antipolo : Lito Lapida
• A copy center in Sikatuna Village called : Pakopya ni Edgar
• A beer house in Cavite called : Chickpoint
• Laundromat in Sikatuna : Star Wash : Attack of the  Clothes
• Internet cafe in Taguig named :  N@kopi@
• Name of a kambingan :  Sa Goat Kita
• A salon somewhere : Curl Up And Dye
• A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan : Gee Congee
• A water refilling station in Dapitan named : Wa-Thirst
• A store selling feeds for chickens : Robocock
• Shoe repair in Marikina :  Dr. Shoe-Bago
• Shoe repair store along Commonwealth: SHOEPERMAN: We will HEEL you, save your SOLE, and even DYE for you
• Petshop : Petness First
• Flower shop : Susan’s Roses
• Taxicab : Income Taxi
• A 2nd hand watch store : 2nd Time Around
• A squid stall in a wet market : Pusit to the Limit
• A shrimp store : Hipon Coming Back
• A gay lawyer’s extension office: Nota Republic
• A ceiling installer : Kisame Street
• A car repair shop : Bangga ka ‘day?
• An aquatic pet store in Malolos: Fish Be With You
• A fishball cart named : Poke Poke
• A beauty salon: Saudia Hairlines
• A bakery : Anak Ng Tinapay
• A resto along Mayon road in Manila : May Lisa Eatery
• Laundry shop : Wash Your Problem
• This mobile massage business name isn’t funny, but their slogan is: Asian Mobile Massage Service: Massage only, God is watching
• Ice cream parlor: Dila Lang Ang Katapat
• Chicharon store: Chicha Hut
• Neighborhood pizza store: Pizza Hot
• A fishball cart near UST: Eat My Balls
• A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: Pinoy Big Barber
• A Resto : The Last Supper
• A goto resto : Goto Ko Pa!
• A peanut vendor’s cart with a funny name : Mani ni Papa
• A gym in Malolos : Gaymann Fitness Center
• My brother’s party needs business : Balloon-Balloonan
• A Chinese restaurant in Pasig: Lah-Fang
• A store selling fresh chicken, owned by woman named Dina:  Dina Fresh Chicken
• An actual bait and tackle shop in U.S.: The Master Baiter
• Panaderia : Trimonay Bakeshop
• Salon : Hair Dot Comb
• Peanut wholesaler outlet in Laloma : Mani Pakyaw

What a wicked thing to do…

For you. You know who you are…

The world was on fire
No one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

No, I don’t want to fall in love
[This love is only gonna break your heart]
With you

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak, MTV Unplugged

Dear Akihiro Sato…

I wanna thank the ancestors responsible for passing on those Brazilian, Japanese and Italian genes to your delectable face and body. You’re worth the 150 bucks I spent to buy the September issue of Cosmo magazine.

After drooling over Michael Phelps’ well-defined…swimming technique during the Olympic Games (in which I acted like a wannabe stalker and gazed at his…medals on TV and online) I thought that I had enough of salivating over hard-bodied hombres, at least for a month or so. Boy, I was wrong. One look at your angelic face and that smoldering gaze is all it took to remind me that I’m just a hot-blooded woman and you’re just…hot.

Actually, you’re a bit err…young for my tastes, but hey, I’m willing to forget about the coupla years difference and jump in that tub with you. Why? Um, so I can pull you out of there and um…convince you to play chess with me! Yeah, that’s correct! We’re going to play chess!

Uh…how do you play chess by the way? You don’t know? Aw, that’s too bad, because I have no idea either. Oh yeah, I agree with you, this is not a good idea. Screw chess. Let’s just go back to the tub!

And the book raiding goes on…

One of my new babies...

That’s it, Booksale. You have to end your sale, pronto. I’ve been buying book after book ever since the damn sale started, and now I have twenty books piled high on my desk. And since your sale will go on up to October 24, I predict that I will buy twenty more.

Pleeeeaaase. Have pity on my eyesight and wallet. Just yesterday, I went to Cubao Expo to get a bottle of Leyende’s Beach Bomb cologne at the Reading Room. I got my cologne and an animal-printed bag, and I was planning to go home immediately after getting the stuff so I wouldn’t be tempted to spend more. But as I was heading towards Gateway, I passed by a Booksale branch near the Shopwise building. It’s like waving a jug of cold water to a traveler stuck in a desert. All hell broke loose…again. Soon, I was frantically grabbing those beautiful bargain babies and paying for them without hesitation. And why not? I mean, I got six books for only 80 bucks! Imagine that! Those 15 and 10 peso price tags are guaranteed to drive me nuts. Heck, I would have bought more, but those six books were pretty heavy already. So I dragged my giddy, bookworm ass to the MRT, my arms about to fall off because of all those shopping bags I was carrying. And I’m smug about it, mind you. My loot – which was composed of cologne, bag and six books – cost me less than a thousand pesos, 680 bucks to be exact. Unlike those people whose ultimate turn-on is to empty their bank accounts for a pair of Prada shoes or an LV bag, I get my kicks maximizing my hard-earned cash. So I congratulate myself because the 680 pesos was definitely money well-spent.

But seriously, Booksale. End that sale now. Pleeeeease.