IRON WALL

One of the biggest challenges that I’m facing right now is finding a way to get my emotions across as expressively and as eloquently as I could, but without giving away myself too much.

This is definitely a tall order, considering that I’m not exactly known for holding back, at least in writing. Subtlety is not exactly my strongest point when I’m already faced with a blank white screen egging me on to put something that will definitely pack a punch, words that will serve as bright and bold exclamation points to the thoughts that I’ve been harnessing for quite a long time. Before, I can’t remember a time that I will hesitate to let my thoughts materialize for other people to see, damn the consequences.

A lot of things have already happened for the past few months, stuff that can be considered juicy enough to glorify or attack in writing. Before, my keyboard will go into overdrive as I squeeze all the gory details to be put on blatant display. No event or detail is bypassed; all of them must pass the intense vivisection from my mental to be produced into written form, as creative and as damning (or flattering, depending on the subject) as I can make it.

This was before pride and discretion reared their insistent heads on my agenda.

For a person of my thoughts and activities, discretion is usually a must, not merely an option. But before, I’ve been bending this rule to my liking and convenience; it is too tempting to dish a seemingly irrepressible happening to the few people that I trust, and thinking that lots of secrets, no matter how hard you try to conceal them, will always find its way out anyway, even with the tightest of covers. On the same letter, it is too easy to write about them and be defensive when some people inquire about its veracity – and most importantly, who the subject in question is. It’s so easy to apply a fictional twist to the facts that I divulge without altering the truth, just to put a light disguise to the emotions that I’ve been trying to convey.

But my experiences got deeper, my emotions got more complicated. Eventually, my personal maturity resulted to my need for privacy. Secrecy seems to be the only way to shield myself from scrutiny, which will eventually lead to the discovery of facts and feelings that may crush the wall of pride and self-importance that I’ve worked so long and so torturously to establish.

It’s not easy. I was never that good in holding back. I have always preferred to deal with the consequences of letting the cat out of the bag. Back then, it seemed more costly to suppress and put considerable strain on my reserve.

And right now, I’m harboring an emotion so intense it’s taking all of my considerable willpower to contain it.

So many times I’ve asked myself, “Why not let this cat out of the bag?

Because I stand to lose more than I have ever lost in my entire life. I stand to have my heart broken and dealt with the most crushing blow that I will ever feel.

And yes, it’s a matter of pride.

THE MORNING AFTER

As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing more sensual than waking up the next morning and feeling his body next to mine, all warm and flushed from deep, restful sleep.

I prolong the bliss further by lingering on the bed after he had already risen to take a shower. Moving to his side of the bed, I feel the warm imprint of his body. Then slowly, I smell the sheets and pillows, a moment of pure seduction. Deeply, I inhale the musky, masculine scent, a sensation which sends subtle shockwaves to my senses. I savor the heady rush of warmth all over my body, triggered by the scent that can only come from a powerful release of desires long suppressed.

But this is still incomparable to the pleasure of smelling him on my skin, the most erotic evidence of the pounding, maddening pleasure of the night before.

Heaven. Sheer heaven.

The soreness between my legs, the deep pink of my bruised lips. His smell on my hot, moist skin…

Oh yes… he’s still with me.

Dream Journal: The Very Best of True Faith 1993 – 2007

I am certainly a Faithfool. I was in high school when my love affair with True Faith’s music began (which pretty much tells you that I’m not really that young anymore, haha). My older brother would play “Perfect“ in our trusty cassette player over and over again till our eardrums bled, so it pretty much stuck in my sponge-like adolescent memory bank. The first True Faith album that I purchased was “Build,” where I fell hopelessly in love with “Baliw.” I was in freshman college then.

 Those in my age group witnessed the rise-and-fall-and-rise again of the band’s career. There was a time when the band was practically everywhere, and a time when their gigs picked up minimal interest (I think this was when majority of the original members left and Medwin Marfil was left to recruit new ones in order to save the band, correct me if I’m wrong). My heart broke for them when they had a gig at some carpark and the show was described as nilangaw, for a lack of a better term. This was before the recent resurrection of the Pinoy band music scene, a time when R&B was all the rage. But of course, us Faithfools did not give a shit. Nothing can’t quite compare to the sleek, one-of-a-kind voice that is Medwin Marfil. Listen, we don’t care if Medwin is not some six-foot tall hunk who can make the girls scream and throw their panties at him just by appearing onstage and make pa-cute. His voice is a fucking serenade enough to make us cream at first note, and that’s all that matters.

 Bitter history aside, True Faith made up for lost time when they won the Video of the Year award at the MTV Philippines Music Awards in 2000. Suddenly, True Faith has risen again.

 So I was beside myself when this very best album was released just recently. Of course, True Faith already came out with their first compilation, “Memories are Cheap: The Best of True Faith 1993 – 2000″, which I got in pirated version (sorry guys, no budget for original CDs back then, hehe). But this latest “the best” album contains their more recent hits, so it makes sense to buy it. And of course I did. An original copy, I might add.

 For 299 bucks, the 2-CD album is definitely a major steal. Practically the best stuff is here, from the old school hits like “Perfect,” “Ambon,” and “Sa Puso Ko” to more recent gems such as “Sumasarap ang Gising” and the Culture Club original “Mistake Number 3.” Personally, I loathe remakes. All these covers of foreign songs are proof enough that the local music industry is in the dumps and artists today are way, way less talented than their predecessors, but “Mistake Number 3″ is an exception. The perfection that is Medwin’s voice just fucking owned the song.

 Just so this entry won’t sound like an orgasmic, biased tribute from a frustrated groupie, I have to say that I’m not so keen on the cover of “Cross My Heart,” a classic from Everything But The Girl. As sublime as Medwin’s voice is, I’m not so sure if it’s right for the track. It is one of those songs that can’t be brought to justice by a male. It is hard to replicate the beautiful, haunting quality that Tracey Thorn brought to the song. It’s not that bad though, majority of the Faithfools will even love it, I think. Let’s just say, if it was sung by another male singer aside from Medwin, it would have been a disaster.

 Just the same, “The Very Best of True Faith” deserves a rightful place in your original CD collection, alongside your copy of “The Eraserheads Anthology” (NOT the putrid piece of trash that is the “Ultraelectromagneticjam,” please).